The Savory Heart Attack with Mushrooms, Onions, and Swiss

You will need:

3lbs hamburger (I say three because that's all I buy at the store. You know, those big meat logs?)

1 double packet of Hidden Valley Ranch dip mix, or two single packets (bottled ranch does not work. Don't ask me how I know)

Season-All/Seasoning Salt/Burger Salt (at this point, you should know what I mean. It varries from person to person what to call it. It's that tasty, orange salty stuff)

Mc Cormick's Burger Seasoning

Hickory flavored liquid smoke

A1 steak sauce or Worcester sauce (which ever you prefer)

2 eggs

2 things of white mushrooms, or about 3 big hanfuls from the bin (sliced)

1 bunch of green onion (chopped)

1 tomato (sliced)

1 yellow onion (sliced nice and thin)

Half stick of butter

Garlic powder

Salt&Pepper

1 lb of bacon

1 package of sliced swiss cheese

First things first- You're gonna be sauteing those mushrooms. Put the butter in the pan. The whole stick. Forget that crap about half a stick. Go get the other half. Once the butter melts, throw the green onions and sliced mushrooms in the pan and sprinkle with the salt, pepper and garlic powder. Put a lid on it.

Break the bacon out. You'll want to fry it within an inch of it's life. Meaning, you want it super crispy.

Get out a bowl (bigger than a soup bowl) and crack the two eggs into it. Next, tear into the ranch packets and dust them into the eggs. Yes, all of it. You'll thank me for it later. Also, you'll need to put a good couple of shakes from that burger salt, garlic powder, Mc Cormick's stuff, and a good couple dollups of A1... or that other stuff. Mix it up real good and pour it into the bowl that's holding all your meat. You haven't put the meat in a bowl yet? What the hell? It's not rocket surgery...

Anyways, once it's poured into the meat, knead it all together real good. Now's a good time to call your wife over to get the bacon you've cooked. What? You're not married? Okay, call your girl friend over... Huh? Well, shit... just go wash your hands. I'll wait.

Ready now? 'Bout time... I don't have all day. Here's the reason it needed to be super crispy: you're gonna crumble it by hand into your meat. It works better this way rather than chopping it. you get bigger, un-uniform chunks inside the burger. Yup, that's right! The bacon is INSIDE the burger!!! Awsome, huh?

Now, make some patties that aren't too big. I like big patties, but they take a bit longer to cook. A good baseball sized wad of meat in your hand makes the perfect size patty. Throw those suckers in the frying pan, or on the BBQ. If you're using a pan, you're in luck! Once the bottom of the patties get just a little bit of brown to them, you can lift it up and slide a slice or two of that yellow onion you've been saving. When you go to flip the burger, keep the onion on the bottom. That way it will cook all the flavor into the patty, while getting a mean saute of it's own. If you're BBQing, you're kinda screwed... you'll have that great BBQ flavor, just without the great onion flavor transfer. I've tried to do it once, but all the onion slices fell in between the grates.

About a minute before the burgers are done, uncover the saute'd shrooms (they should be ready at this point) and scoop a big 'ol heapin' helpin' on top of the burgers with the onion now on top of the patty. Then cover all the deliciousness with more deliciousness. Yeah, I'm talking about the cheese.

After all this, it's time to put the slice of tomato on top. I really don't like them, but my wife swears by it. She also likes sprouts.

Now, shove that sucker into your pie hole. It's fucking amazing, huh? Hey, what's the matter? Hmmmm... should I call 911? I didn't think so. It's all part of the experience. Enjoy it. Cholesterol be damned!