This is Why V6 Mustang Drivers Are Asshats

About seven years ago when I was much more reckless and not very bright I lived in Portland OR. My fiance (at the time) and I moved up there after my Dad passed away because my cousin offered me a job doing NDT (Non Destructive Testing. AKA-magna fluxing and gamma radiography on ship hulls, pipe lines and the like) work. It was fine at first but I din't have a whole lot of friends other than a few co-workers. My fiance would go back down to Brookings about once a month to visit her parents for about week at a time leaving me all alone. I don't deal with just hanging out by myself very well, so I started going to this pool hall about a block away from my house. This is the story about the last time I ever went there.

I used to get real lonely when she'd take off. A lot of the times there I tried making some friends. You know, maybe a bar or pool hall buddy or two. Well, on this particular occasion I finally met a seemingly decent group of people. They liked the same kinda stuff I was interested in and seemed to generally like me. Nice! Up until this point, I hadn't made any friends that I hung out with outside of work, so things were looking up... until the bar closed.

So, the night still being young (2:30 in the a.m.) I decided to have an after party at my house. It was only about a block away and it wouldn't be that hard to drive there. As a matter of fact, you could exit the parking lot by making a right hand turn, then another and BANG! You're right in the parking lot to my appartment! How hard could this get?

Well, the Albertsons that's right friggin' there in the same parking lot as the bar stopped selling beer at 2:30. "Great. Well, I guess it's been a fun night..."

"Hold it right there, dude. We could run down the street to Seven Eleven. It's no problem at all."

"Are you sure? I don't want to, well... you know."

"No man. I'm good."

I should have taken my first hint as to what was gonna happen next by the choice of his car. 2001 Mustang. V6. I asked why the v6 as we were pulling to the light, getting ready to take a left towards Seven Eleven instead of taking a right to my place when he says, "This things got plenty of punch! Watch this!"

To my dismay, the light turned green and he started spinning the wheels, which would have been kinda cool, but it was wet out from a recent rain. As we were slowly pulling away, he started making the turn with the tires still spinning. All of a sudden, the rear end just let go completely and spun us 180*. I at the time was starting to get a little agitated. Not only was I stupid enough to get into a v6 Mustang with a drunk, he turned out to be a little bit on the weird side.

He tried to save it, but it swung out in the opposite direction spinning another 180, but this time it had a curb in the way. With all the momentum pent up inside this little pony of his, hitting the curb with his rimz, it jettisoned us into an imprompt barrel roll over the curb, through a chain link fence, and shiny side down in the shallows of a pond on a golf course.

The first thing he said to me was, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I think so... WTF, man? What the hell were you thinking?"

The next thing he said to me was, "Run."

"What?"

"Run, GODAMMIT!"

Okay... I got my self un-buckled and started out through the windshield after him. I started to catch up. He started to call someone on his phone as I approached. The next sentence out of his mouth I will never forget, "It happened again..."

He was on the phone with his attorney. For real. The guy ended up meeting us in the parking lot of the golf course. He told me that I had never seen him or his client. If I agreed with that, he'd drop me off at my house. I said, "What ever. Just take me home. It's been a long night..."

I got to my appartment and instictively started getting undressed to go to bed, but I started to get the beer munchies. I decided to walk down to the grocery store and get myself something to eat. Before I walked out the front door, I noticed that my back pocket didn't feel right... "No. No way. Couldn't be", were the thoughts that went through my head. But alas, I had indeed left my wallet at the scene of an accident.

I walked right down there into the lights and sirens, past the police and sheriff deputies and started to go through the car. A young officer came up to me and asked me what I was doing. "Looking for my wallet," I replied.

To his amazement he asked, "you were in this car?!"

"Uh, yeah..."

"Is this your's?!" he shouted.

"Ha! Hell no. Like I'd own a v6 Mustang..."

I explained that the reason that I had indeed ran was, "because this idiot drove us onto a golf course, and just being in one of the most frightening accidents I've ever been in, I was a little scared. I didn't know what the hell he would have done if I didn't. Oh yeah, he called his attorney saying something about, 'it happened again'..."

The officer thought that a story that crazy had to be true and ended up giving me a ride home. The next day I was really hung over. As I was digging around the clothes that I had tossed about in my drunken stupor, I lifted my hat and found... yeah, my wallet.

Fortunately, there is a moral to this story that I can take with me and teach to my kids and anyone else I happen to share my story with: Never, EVER get into a car with some one that's been drinking. Or a pre 2011 v6 Mustang.

Bringing Not So Sexy Back

About a week ago, my fantastic wife said to me, "hey, you want to drive over to Medford to get your truck back?"

I imediatly said, "really?!"

"Yeah. You deserve it. Besides, we need a second vehicle to get you to and from work."

Well, at least that's how it goes in my head.

Let's start with a little background first- I used to have a really awesome (but really ugly) '85 Dodge Ram Charger. It's got an old crate engine 318 with an Edelbrock intake and carb, long tube headers and some sort of non-descript cam. It was a fantastic truck. It would go where ever you pointed it, and was one of the most reliable trucks out of all my friends. Also it was built before Chrysler decided they need to build a lot of suck into their truck devision.

Everything was great up until gas started to skyrocket. Before long, we couldn't aford to put gas in it. The tags were about to go out of date and the old Thornbird tires I had on it were starting to crack. So it sat in the front of my house for months while I tried to sell it. I bought it for $1200 initially, which was the same price I was trying to sell it at. Sounded reasonable to me. Unfortunately, nobody else did. This is where my buddy Big Mike comes in to play.

Mike's been a great friend of mine for quite some time. I told him that I had to get rid of the truck because we were moving (forgot to mention that!) over to Medford. I decided to just give it to him. It needed new tires, a battery, fuel and new tags. If he could do all that, I'd just give it to him. There was one condition-I got first dibs if he decided to get rid of it or sell it. He agreed.

So, back to the story at hand. We decided to take the trip over there monday on my payday (which also happens to be my only day off). Of course, the checks were late once again (screw you, UPS!), which threw us off by several hours. I needed to get over there early because Mike had told me that the truck needed a new fuel pump and I wanted time to actually work on it.

The check didn't come in until noon, so we didn't leave for Medford until 1pm. Awesome. The journey over went without a hitch, so that was nice, but we didn't arrive until about 4ish. Mike and I imediatly went to work on the truck. I tried to get underneath it in his back yard, but I didn't appreciate the giant fucking weeds with giant fucking spikes all over them stabbing me in the spleen, so we rolled it onto the street. It's amazing how comfortable laying on your back on the concrete feels after laying on a bed of natures own nails.

The job looked fairly straight forward enough. It was a mechanical fuel pump, so it's not in the tank, but on the block. As a matter of fact, it's right behind the alternator bracket. Mike had suggested that we remove the alternator for the ease of replacing the pump, but why the hell would I want to do things the easy way? I enjoy moving a wrench one micron at a time. We kept the alternator on, and things were slow going and frustrating, just the way any easy looking project should be.

We got every thing off, replaced the pump and installed a new fuel line from the filter to the carb because the old one was well, old and in need of replacing. We picked up some gas from a local station to prime the carb and also to put in the tank because Mike had ran it out of gas the precious time he tried to start it.

Once we were certain that every thing was hooked up, I got in the cab and Mike primed the carb. Things got off with a roar, as the Ram Charger came to life with an exhaust note that sounds like the four horsemen of the appocalypse raping a grizzly bear that's been gargling broken glass. A truly life altering sound that turns mice into men and drops the IQ of every one within the range of one mile. Too bad that it wouldn't stay running. After almost an hour of priming, starting, dieing, wash, rinse, repeat, the battery gave up the ghost. Even though we had a fresh battery waiting in the wings, the women and children were supposedly starving. We decided to give up for the day, and try it in about a week or two when I can get some more time to come back.

We haven't narrowed down the problem just yet, but considering it was getting fuel aft of the pump, but not aft of the filter (which happens to be brand spankin' new), I figure that it's either a directional filter and we put it on wrong in all the hullabalu, or it's already clogged for one reason or another. Eventually I will get it started, and I will get it back to Brookings. Eventually.

What Happened to the Spoof?

This last couple of days, my son and I have been renting all the Star Wars movies when all of a sudden, my son asks me, "What's this?"

He had picked up the movie "Space Balls". I couldn't believe I had let seven years of his life go by without seeing the all time greatest movie spoof of all time! I righted that wrong imediately. This started me thinking about all the great spoofs that have come and gone, and what the hell happened to them. The first I remember seeing was "Blazing Saddles". Mel Brooks comedic take on the speghetti western. Great film. Also at the time, you had the TV show Police Squad. Leslie Neilson at his finest. That show spawned the one of the only truly great spoof franchises, "The Naked Gun". You can also throw "Police Academy" in the mix as a cop, spoof-ish franchise, but when you make something close to ten movies (when there's only about two or three that people acually liked)... well, let's just say that instead of it making the jokes, it has become the joke.

Okay, back on track. We all know what the good ones are, but just in case you don't, here's a short list: Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, Police Squad (the enitre series is pure gold), Airplane, The Naked Gun, the first couple of Police Academy movies, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Dragnet (the movie with Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd), The Princess Bride, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Austin Powers, the first two Scary Movies, Shrek, and to a certain degree, Shaun of the Dead, and Hot Fuzz.

Now, if you'll look at my list, the only real modern movies I have on my list are Austin Powers and the first two Scary Movies. There's a reason for that: they suck. Hard. The Austin Powers series as a whole is okay. The first one was just briliant. Same with Scary Movie. After the second instalment, the Scary franchise started to spoof things that weren't even in the genre. That's the problem I have with spoofs nowadays. Why the hell was elements of 8 Mile in a horror film spoof? It's like they ran out of material and said, "I got nothing... lets just slap shit together".

It's the formula that a lot of the newer spoofs have taken. That and dumbing them down to the point of mild retardation. Most of the jokes perpetrated in the newer spoofs would leave a ten year old in stitches when it's clearly for grown ups, yet leave the adult crowd scrathing there head, saying, "really?"

The last spoof I tried watching was "Date Movie". I've seen shittier movies, but I can't remember any off the top of my head at this moment. That's when I just about gave up. I think there's a ton of great material out there to spoof. As a matter of fact, they have (like super hero stuff), but the actual efort they put into it is shamefull.

Maybe one of these days we'll see a rebirth of the once mighty comedy called the spoof. And when that day comes, I'll be holding out for Space Balls II: The Search For More Money.

The Savory Heart Attack with Mushrooms, Onions, and Swiss

You will need:

3lbs hamburger (I say three because that's all I buy at the store. You know, those big meat logs?)

1 double packet of Hidden Valley Ranch dip mix, or two single packets (bottled ranch does not work. Don't ask me how I know)

Season-All/Seasoning Salt/Burger Salt (at this point, you should know what I mean. It varries from person to person what to call it. It's that tasty, orange salty stuff)

Mc Cormick's Burger Seasoning

Hickory flavored liquid smoke

A1 steak sauce or Worcester sauce (which ever you prefer)

2 eggs

2 things of white mushrooms, or about 3 big hanfuls from the bin (sliced)

1 bunch of green onion (chopped)

1 tomato (sliced)

1 yellow onion (sliced nice and thin)

Half stick of butter

Garlic powder

Salt&Pepper

1 lb of bacon

1 package of sliced swiss cheese

First things first- You're gonna be sauteing those mushrooms. Put the butter in the pan. The whole stick. Forget that crap about half a stick. Go get the other half. Once the butter melts, throw the green onions and sliced mushrooms in the pan and sprinkle with the salt, pepper and garlic powder. Put a lid on it.

Break the bacon out. You'll want to fry it within an inch of it's life. Meaning, you want it super crispy.

Get out a bowl (bigger than a soup bowl) and crack the two eggs into it. Next, tear into the ranch packets and dust them into the eggs. Yes, all of it. You'll thank me for it later. Also, you'll need to put a good couple of shakes from that burger salt, garlic powder, Mc Cormick's stuff, and a good couple dollups of A1... or that other stuff. Mix it up real good and pour it into the bowl that's holding all your meat. You haven't put the meat in a bowl yet? What the hell? It's not rocket surgery...

Anyways, once it's poured into the meat, knead it all together real good. Now's a good time to call your wife over to get the bacon you've cooked. What? You're not married? Okay, call your girl friend over... Huh? Well, shit... just go wash your hands. I'll wait.

Ready now? 'Bout time... I don't have all day. Here's the reason it needed to be super crispy: you're gonna crumble it by hand into your meat. It works better this way rather than chopping it. you get bigger, un-uniform chunks inside the burger. Yup, that's right! The bacon is INSIDE the burger!!! Awsome, huh?

Now, make some patties that aren't too big. I like big patties, but they take a bit longer to cook. A good baseball sized wad of meat in your hand makes the perfect size patty. Throw those suckers in the frying pan, or on the BBQ. If you're using a pan, you're in luck! Once the bottom of the patties get just a little bit of brown to them, you can lift it up and slide a slice or two of that yellow onion you've been saving. When you go to flip the burger, keep the onion on the bottom. That way it will cook all the flavor into the patty, while getting a mean saute of it's own. If you're BBQing, you're kinda screwed... you'll have that great BBQ flavor, just without the great onion flavor transfer. I've tried to do it once, but all the onion slices fell in between the grates.

About a minute before the burgers are done, uncover the saute'd shrooms (they should be ready at this point) and scoop a big 'ol heapin' helpin' on top of the burgers with the onion now on top of the patty. Then cover all the deliciousness with more deliciousness. Yeah, I'm talking about the cheese.

After all this, it's time to put the slice of tomato on top. I really don't like them, but my wife swears by it. She also likes sprouts.

Now, shove that sucker into your pie hole. It's fucking amazing, huh? Hey, what's the matter? Hmmmm... should I call 911? I didn't think so. It's all part of the experience. Enjoy it. Cholesterol be damned!

WTF?!

Well, I had a real good rant going for a bit there... then I decided to preview it. Yeah. Needless to say, I totally screwed it up. I decided to navigate away, thinking that it'd just take me back to the compose page. Nope. I lost the whole damn thing. That's what I get for being a total retard when it comes to computers.

Basically, what I was writing about was the fact that I've ran out of things to say on the air. It's tough sometimes. As a matter of fact, it was a little easier when I first started than it is now, believe it or not. It mainly has to do with the fact that when I first started, I had so much to say. It's not that I still don't, I just don't feel that the market that we cater to would get it.

I don't need to go all Howard Stern on the air, but I would like it if I could get just a little bit looser. Eventually, I'd like to branch out to a bigger market and have a real radio show. The one I currently helm is between the hours of 6pm to 10pm. It's not bad, but all I really do is introduce songs. Occasionally I'll have to talk about some sort of gathering, or an event that's going on in our small sea side village. Other than that, I got nothing. Every now and then, my kids will do something that I feel is news worthy (everything my kids do is news worthy to me of course. Weather I feel the populace is going to agree is a whole other thing), and I'll talk about that.

I could totally use a vacation to get the old juices flowing. If you want, you could just email me your info and send me just enough to take the fam to Disney Land. It's only about $2000 for a complete package. That includes four nights in a hotel with two rooms, and tickets for two adults, and three children. I'm pretty sure we'll need only two children tickets, but what the hell? Just in case someone can't watch the little one.

By the way, none of that price includes things like food, souvineers, and gas for the trip. I live about 780 miles from Anaheim, and I figure I could make the trip with about $150 for fuel, round trip. But we better double that, just in case. Wouldn't want to run out of gas in the middle of some stinking dessert... or Sacremento. So now it's a grand total of $2300. Uh oh... we forgot to feed every body! Just throw about another grand on top of that. If you're gonna eat out, you might as well do it right. I might be able to live off of nothing but chili dogs and chili fries from Wiener Schnitzel the entire time, but I don't know if the whole family would be up to it. Let's just round it up to about $3500. Yeah, that should do it.

Oh crap! I almost forgot! Souvineers! We'll need lots of those. How the hell are our friends gonna believe that we went in the first place? I've got a bad reputation with exaggerating things, so it's a good idea to bring some proof back with us. We'll just throw (hahaha! "We") another $500 in the hat to cover the same stupid shit you can get at your local Walmart for a 1/3 the price (remember, if you get your Mickey Mouse watch, Whinnie the Pooh sweatshirt, and Tinkerbell shorts at Disneyland, it's a cool list of souvineers. If you get it at Walmart... and actually wear it? Well, I don't want to start offending people and call them white trash just yet. Damn it! I just did, didn't I?).

That will bring the final score to a cool five grand. Anyways, thanks for the help. I'll send you a postcard!

Old Movies

About a month or two ago, my wife and I made the decision to get a movie pass at the local rental place. It was a great idea... kinda. Let me explain: My wife and I watch quite a few movies already. Mainly because of the lack of cable... and internet. So, in the course of our relationship, we've become quite the pair of movie snobs. If I've never heard of the movie/actors/director, and the box art looks like some idiot sat down for a half hour with Adobe Photoshop, we don't watch it.

I love the fact that I can go in there and grab three movies right off the shelf, and it dosen't cost me a thing (it does, but it's only $35 once a month. It pays for itself within the first two days). The crappy part to this, is that new releases only come out on Tuesdays. So by wednesday, we've seen everything new worth watching, because there are usually only one or two movies worth actually renting. Like I want to see the new Edward Furlong and Cuba Gooding Jr. movie.

I've found myself more and more throughout the week grabbing quite a few classics, especially old Chevy Chase movies. I don't know why. He was great back in the day. Of the movies we've rented so far in the last week: Fletch, Fletch Lives, Spies Like Us, National Lampoon's Family Vacation, American Phsyco, Pineapple Express, Knocked Up, Anchor Man, Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny, Planes Trains and Automobiles... just to name a few. That's just the tip of the iceburg.

Remember, if you're in a video store slump, there's nothing quite like a good old classic comedy starring Chevy Chase.